There’s no shot that this post would ever reach you. Why would it? But, due to recent events, stranger things have happened. So, if you do come across this post, you know who you are; tell me your middle name and your favorite video game character. I guarantee you didn’t see this post, and you especially wouldn’t have read all the way to this part. Yeah, a person can skim, but this is a long post, and there are some parts you might not be able to scan past. Either way, wishful thinking that you would ever reach out to me. That would probably mean you made some character growth and wanted to reconcile, or you’re crazy. Let’s see what the outcome will be.
I don’t like thinking about the good times with you. It either reminds me of the facade you put on or ruins my current image of you. Regardless of how often I wonder if you regret your decisions, I still don’t want anything to do with you. You would only pull me back into your bullshit, and I just can’t do that anymore. Too many people who would be affected by your existence and bullshit that I can’t risk them for having you back in my life.
I don’t wish you to have a good life. I hope you are having the life you deserve. Because I don’t think you started living right, so I hope your actions reflect your outcome. I hope you became honest with your partner and are both living your lives truthfully.
If I ever run into you, I hope I continue to have the strength to withhold my anger and disgust for you. I hope I have the maturity to turn the other way or safely exit the area (without you knowing I was even there). I don’t want you to perceive me ever again. I don’t want to exist to you (even though I wonder if you think about me and how you messed up). I don’t want you to ever hear my voice again. I don’t ever want to make eye contact with you. You don’t get to see within my soul anymore. Not in that way.
Maybe you didn’t want to see it that way. Perhaps you got tired of me and thought this was the best way to get rid of me until you needed me again. But you fucked up. You didn’t have to be hurtful with your words. I understand it was frustrating and worrisome, but my partner and I kept trying to warn you and give you an out of this friendship. You decided to stay. You signed up for it. All the times I was there for you, and when I needed you most, you did the opposite.
I get it. You shouldn’t do things for others that you expect them to do for you in return. It wasn’t like that. It’s just how I am. Unlike this person, it made me feel better to help others, especially when they were hurting or needed help. Someone that was once a living ghost but is now just someone I once knew; that person realized who I was and what I was about and knew it was best for both parties to part ways. They knew they couldn’t be who I needed them to be, and to ask me to become someone they would need wasn’t fair.
I try to be selfless for the person I care about in my life. With the constant thought of death and the afterlife, life is limited and random. You do what you can to spend as much time with those who matter to you. You weren’t about that life, and I knew that, but I still wanted to do things for you and with you. I can’t apologize for wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. I just enjoyed being around you. Trying to get to know you better or just to enjoy the day.
After the final text exchanges, before the ignored message, I despised you. I wished you were dead. I wished I had never met you. The whole time we were friends, I was unaware of how miserable you made me feel. I had to realize this once you were no longer around, and I was feeling brighter. You plague my mind and infect it anytime you exist to me. You fill me with dread by just being. The only good thing I could ever associate with you is how you strengthened my relationship with my partner. The adversity produced by your existence and my feelings for you allowed the bond between my partner and me to improve and become more durable, like working out your muscles. You break them down so they can build themselves back up again. So thanks for being a little workout.
Sometimes I wonder if you even remember who I am. If I’ve already faded from your mind. Or if you regret the choices you made. You can’t call or text me anymore. You can’t reach me on Facebook. I doubt you’d find this on Tumblr or would try to contact me on other social media since you didn’t venture out beyond Snapchat. I don’t even remember if I blocked you there. I can’t even remember your username since the trauma of that day has done a trace erase of those things. In the early times, I hate-checked stuff. And I hate when I hate-check things because I’m only hurting myself on purpose. Reminding me of the mistake I made.
You are truly the worst person I have encountered in my life. That could be an exaggeration, but you were no better than my family during my childhood. You behaved no better. You made me feel how they made me feel when I needed them. I was experiencing those feelings, and instead of reacting like a decent friend, you fake-sympathize only to make yourself the victim when I was, in a way, reaching out for help. It was a call for help in text form. And you couldn’t see that.
It wasn’t my idea to expose your dirty laundry to your partner, but I also didn’t discourage the idea. He was my friend, and every time I kept your secret from him, even when he probably hated me, it hurt inside. I don’t like those kinds of secrets. The secrets where you’re hurting your partner, and they have a right to know that their person isn’t for them. Better for him to leave a bad relationship to find a better one than to suffer along with you in despair and distrust.
You both lived together in misery. Misery loves company, after all. When I thought you had finally left or your partner had kicked you out, I felt happy for him and celebrated because of your departure. But then you showed up. The events that led up to no longer being in proximity of you and reminders of you were almost a blessing.
How I felt about you died the day you decided to mishandle our friendship. Saying I did things I tried my best not to do. I distinctly remember discussing these things with you because of my fears and wanting your feedback. Wanting reassurance that I’m not making those fears come true.
I hate talking about you right now. When you randomly appear in my head. Wondering if karma caught up to you. Wondering if your partner is having a better life not being with you anymore. Am I purposely being mean? No. I’ve spared you from the wrath I could truly inflict. Telling you all this on that dreadful day. The day you pulled off the mask and showed me who you really were. A selfish person who uses people for her own satisfaction. So confused with how to navigate the world that you rely on people who have it more together. Manipulating the situation the way you need it to be.
You fucked up, though. I was willing to give you as much as I could provide as a friend, and I fucked up there. I was trying to be everything you wanted me to be so you wouldn’t leave. Because you were the type to run the moment you’re afraid. The moment you encounter discomfort. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but that’s the vibe I picked up before you started to distance yourself.
Why I gave you so much of my time and energy is to understand what love actually is. When you genuinely care about someone, you do what you can when you see them hurting or needing help. You seemed to understand that at one point, but on that final day, it was as if it were a foreign concept for you. You cut me deep and probably didn’t even know it at first. But you realized pretty quickly that it was over. Our friendship, or whatever you were trying to encourage, was dead on arrival.
You know your partner better than anyone outside of your relationship and your own immediate relationships (i.e., close relatives and friendships). Suppose there is someone that comes up, someone that potentially threatens the state of your relationship with your person. In that case, you address it and establish boundaries your partner has set. You have limits you’ve set and limitations that the two of you agree upon. The top boundary in most intimate relationships is not having a sexual or overtly intimate relationship without your partner’s knowledge or consent.
I could not bring myself to violate that, regardless of when I experienced feelings for others but didn’t pursue those “interests” (for lack of a better word). If I were single, then there would be no hesitation. But in a relationship, if that is not mutually agreed upon, don’t do it. It’s simple as that. And yet, this person made it seem so difficult. Her values weren’t in the right place. She valued the satisfaction of her “needs” over the value of her relationship.
I was no different in her conquest. I wasn’t special, and yet I felt that way. I didn’t idolize her, though. I knew she was a flawed person and loved her anyway. The flaws of a person don’t offend me nor affect my ability to love them, so long as they align with me and mine. Everyone knew you were no good, but I ignored them and saw the good I found. I knew you weren’t a good person, and yet I still decided to pursue something with you within reason.
It wasn’t just me. The person had her own demons she chose not to face. She decided to behave the way she did. She decided on the mindset she came into this friendship and decided how she wanted to play it out. Say one thing but show another. To the point where she tried to cross that dangerous boundary, and I was too oblivious or too “self-aware” to notice. It was only after the bridge was torched that I realized near the end she tried to make a move in the home I shared with my partner. And by ignorance or subconscious failsafe, I didn’t encourage it.
How could I have? While we’re not married yet, I still promised my partner that I wouldn’t do something she wouldn’t be comfortable with. I messed up once, albeit minor, but I wouldn’t dare do something to break my partner’s trust in that way. That would truly hurt her, and that wasn’t something I would do intentionally. Hurting her is self-inflicting.
But this person didn’t have the same values as me regarding our respective relationships. I respected my partner, so my values aligned with that. On the other hand, she had no respect for her partner, which showed greatly. To value one’s relationship, one makes an unspoken or spoken vow not to hurt them in a personal way.
Hey. I’m behind on the posts I said I would make. I’m working on and working through it along with some other priorities.
For instance, this post exists because of someone who once existed in my life and now is nothing but a “living ghost” to me. See, someone is a “living ghost” when they are dead to me but still among the living. And this person is the worst living ghost I’ve encountered.
She was someone I genuinely cared about. Not to say I don’t genuinely care about people, but I cared about her deeper than I would a stranger on the street. She mattered to me. I did what I thought best, but sometimes my feelings were involved. I loved her more than I should, all while loving my current partner, still in love with my current partner. I’m not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I’m far from perfect; this person helped me see that terribly.
She was in a relationship too. The thing is, she kept secrets from her partner while I remained transparent with mine. I didn’t try to cross any boundaries, but that’s not to say a boundary wasn’t crossed. Something I tend to forget about as it was lackluster in the end. It wasn’t worth all the trouble this caused. It wasn’t worth the heartache and the stress. The worry. The care and love. Sometimes I wondered if I were the problem.
So I only missed two Sundays? I thought it was more for some reason. It’s alright, though. Things are starting to calm down on my end, so I’ll be back on track.
Okay, what are we going to talk about? Surprisingly, nothing comes to mind right away. I started listening to metal and feel like I’ve discovered a new version of myself. It’s as if I unlocked a new area.
I started playing Apex Legends yesterday, and it’s pretty decent. I’m not playing with any friends, so I’m lone wolf-ing it since the last few teammates (except two) were either mean or didn’t give a shit about being a team.
I need to catch up with schoolwork. Luckily it’s the end of week 4, so I still have time.
I’ve been distracted during the duration of writing this post. So, we’ll try another time.
So, I had something completely different written in this space. I had something drafted out Sunday night, and then got too high and forgot to finish it and post it. It may have been for the best though. There wasn’t much substance.
This post won’t be any different, but at least I’m writing it on my laptop and not on my phone like before, so the likelihood of me posting it is higher.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, but I’ve made a new friend and feel a genuine connection with her. We’re keeping it platonic, so please don’t have any ideas here. However, I’ve been noticing that I’m experiencing survival-like behavior, which heavily stems from my previous experience with A.C.M. (fka 3107). I know that my friend is different (and is very communicative), so I don’t have to worry as much, but I still find myself experiencing low self-esteem moments.
And it’s nothing she’s doing. If she goes a couple days without a response, she gets back to me and offers an explanation unprompted. It’s something I appreciate her giving, even when it’s not necessary. It’s the validation I need: She wasn’t gone because of something you did. It’s a silly thing to remind myself of, but it’s that survival instinct. It’s worse because I know that she’s silent. After all, she’s either working or busy or doing her own business, which I’m not entitled to know. Do I miss her when I don’t hear from her? Of course, but that’s how I am sometimes, especially when getting to know someone.
Anyway, I better wrap this up so I can blow out this candle and not unintentionally burn down the apartment.
petrihkor:
Reblog if you’re polyamorous/open to polyamory in the future/in a polycule or open to one/interested in polyamory
I want to see how many of us there are
And like if you think polyamory is okay, can be healthy, and doesn’t “go against human nature”
(via hell-is-a-teenage-girll)
